If you know me, you know I am a very kind, caring, and loving person, what most people don’t know is that I have a monster lurking inside that I have to keep at bay constantly. This monster is known as borderline personality disorder. I have been diagnosed with borderline personality disorder, generalized anxiety disorder, major depressive disorder, post traumatic stress disorder, with panic attacks, derealzation, and depersonalization, and obsessive compulsive disorder. Whew, that’s a lot, trust me I know. In this post I am going to focus on borderline personality disorder and how it affects my life.
This post goes out to all of the silent sufferers of invisible diseases. BPD is a disease, it eats away at your psyche, there is no cure, and there is nothing you can do to prevent getting it. There are several aspects of bpd, I am going to share the ones that impact me.
First of all, I am terrified of being abandoned! If I make a mistake, no matter how small, such as not doing the dishes on time, I become terrified that my fiancé or whom ever is involved in the situation, will leave me. I have done crazy things to keep people from leaving me. I constantly need reassurance from…well…everybody. It is so painful to constantly fear that your loved ones will leave. And I always have this irrational feeling that deep down, despite what they say, they will leave eventually.
I also have a fear of rejection, I have trouble asking for anything in fear that I will be rejected, so much so, that I have other people ask for things for me because it physically hurts me to be rejected. When it comes to everything and everyone, my mind only sees black and white, no grey. Either people and things are wonderful or they are evil, and I usually decide this within about ten minutes of meeting someone, and it is very hard to change my mind. This of course has a big impact on my relationships with everyone.
I have a inconsistent sense of self. One minute ill be into something and the next it will annoy the poop out of me. For instance, I really wanted this Nightmare Before Christmas poster, so I bought it, not on the cheap side either. I had it hanging up for a couple of weeks and then out of the blue, I was walking by it and I tore it off the wall and ripped it up and threw it away. For no reason, I hated it. Imagine how I was in high school lol.
I tend to be very very impulsive. I take risks or do things that put myself in harms way without thinking it through first. I suffer from intense chronic feelings of emptiness. I have intense and inappropriate anger and difficulty controlling my anger on a regular basis. I frequently have intense emotions back to back. One hour I will be happy and hyper and the next in utter despair.
This is where this post gets a little dark. My entire life I have had the urge to practice self harm and have tried to kill myself on more than one occasion. The first time I tried to kill myself was when I was 11 years old. I was at my dads. I took a whole bottle of sleeping pills and a whole bottle of asprin. I went in the front room and layed on my daddy’s lap, and peacefully thought, this is it, I don’t have to suffer anymore, as I drifted off to sleep in my daddy’s arms. I woke the next morning to find that I had survived, I was glad. This was hard for me, but its something I needed to share. I have recovered a lot and am now in control of most of the things I have mentioned, with the help of therapy, medication, and strong determination. I am not ashamed, this is part of who I am. We all have our monsters.